Negative Experiences Matter

I have been reflecting a lot the past three years regarding some personal, painful struggles that I have experienced. Wow, it was sure a long exciting journey, but I am glad I went through it! In short, it was very painful, yes, more painful then physical object induced pain. But looking back, it was these pains, and chaotic times and the feeling of giving up that made me who I am today. I am sure everyone here at some point has similar experiences in their life too, and if you're in one right now, you are not alone! I thought I might put together some key things I have learnt as I reflected hard in the past few years. Here are five different things I wanted to share, and I hope it is helpful to anyone who wants to read it! 1. I thought being an honest and deep minded person is a weakness, BUT ITS NOT I have always believed that being honest and truthful of how I felt is the best way to go even during my middle & high school years. My thought is I don't want to have people guess, so I might as well be clear! And Yes, I had my fair share of crushes, of course, and looking back, although it may be a bit freaky (what I said), the concept of it was actually not wrong. I am glad I kept with it instead of staying with more superficial methods, like play games or pretend to be hard to get or falling for romantic type recommendations that I were often recommended by friends and media at the time. And no, I don't blame them as we all thought this was the way to go with our limited knowledge! The truth is, be the person that you want to be. Express what your values and beliefs are as that is how you are gonna attract the right people no matter if it is a committed relationship or a friendship. After all, I can say this; the closes friends I have made honestly came out from nowhere. There were no conscious goals involved at all when I made friends. It just clicked overtime. With friends being scattered around the world now, we still keep in contact because there were is still mutual respect between us even when we changed over the years! Respect, honesty, humbleness and more traits are what last forever! Sooooo... Know yourself, be the best version of yourself, and that will attract the right people towards you. 2. I viewed being Introvert and quiet as a negative trait, BUT ITS NOT I oddly had negatively viewed being introverted and quiet. I have this perception that I was weak or undesirable. This was partly because we are human, and we naturally observe that being extroverted is seen as a positive trait. It is shown in media, told by teachers and of course seen by our own eyes. However, over time I realized there were many positives to it. It is because of my deep thinking nature that I was able to achieve such self-awareness for not just myself, but also for others in need. Yes, it may mean that I have a disadvantage when talking to others, but I have come to my own realization that this is who I am and there are people out there that value people who are deep thinkers and wants meaningful conversations even if it may feel like it is not during one's life journey! 3. Romantic Relationships, But Wait... Part of me always wanted a relationship, but here's the thing I never been through a relationship to this day. Rejected all times, and that's okay! Besides, what's the point if you are not your true self when you express your feelings to the potential person that you're interested in a partner, right? This is a topic that I was always curious about, as I honestly thought I was mad with my expectations of finding a partner. So then I came across this article from the school of life, I regard myself as pretty philosophical hence being a deep thinker. Naturally, I searched around to see if my interpretation of what a relationship is somewhere out there. In short, I was mind-blown after reading the book about relationships! To save you some reading, here is a short video of it and why I believe the classical approach is what I believe in as a better and more robust foundation of lasting relationships!

In short, I really do believe that people can tell if your genuine and honest about something. No matter if it is a yes, no or later, if you have thought long and hard and that it is worth it to you, I would express it and have a serious mutual conversation to allow her/him to honestly express their thoughts. In the end, respect each other, of course :)! Believe me, telling them is better than keeping it in no matter the circumstance! Communication is the key! 

4. Communication is the bridge that connects you to others 

Communication is perhaps the most underestimated trait. This could be people at your workplace to friends and family. I personally had a bad relationship with my parents partly because for different reasons like being disappointed at them and hiding it, causing me to be savage against them. Through this hate that lasted for years, I realized that it was not healthy to attack one another anymore. One day I decided to take a page from my user experience & psychology knowledge. Indeed it was a moment of vulnerability for me as well too, but I had enough with this war with my parents that I decide to give it a try. 

That one day, a huge argument has come up with my parents, and so I thought here is my chance! I had the choice to

1. either freeze while my parents speak out and attack me,

2. argue back (making it worse), or

3. show my understanding and appreciation of them caring and explaining to them why I did the following actions.

I have chosen the 3rd option, and yes, they ignored me for a day and shouted at me anyways. Still, later on, they messaged back in a pleasant tone with a sorry and explained their situation too. Since then, on disagreements and arguments was never the same with my parents, and I am grateful I took that leap! AND YES I SURPRISED MYSELF THERE! 

Soooo the takeaway message here is?

During disagreements and arguments, we often have a lot of emotions that amplify and clouds our judgements. Yes, it may feel hard to separate the two, but learning to say 'why' without attacking each other and instead choosing to explain the situation makes that much of difference! You are on the same team, after all, right? 

5. Forgiveness, AND YES IT IS HARD, I KNOW!

Forgiveness, as you have heard, is probably a pretty hard thing to achieve. I totally understand that, because it sure took me a while to understand and feel what it means to really forgive someone. My lesson of truly forgiving someone is my dad. I found out he was cheating on my mom. So I have kept it all in during high school when warned that tell my parents on my final two years of high school can affect me badly especially before going to university. Keeping it in was obviously not healthy, as it meant showing it in different ways. For me, it was this savageness against my parents. During this period, I was in constant disappointment, anger and pain. I felt like I am not worthy and that I am biologically linked to a cheating dad. Worse is out of all people; it is my dad who violated a value that I hold firmly against. Within me, it felt like this constant heaviness in my heart that I can't seem to get out no matter what I do.

As the years went by, it really took a lot of will and power to try to understand his side. It took a combination of speaking to a psychologist (and yes, it is not weak to seek help) and knowledge from my psychology classes during university, my pursuit for user experience design as my career and preying to digest such a heavy traumatic experience. It took time to understand and realize that even parents are not perfect even if they present themselves as perfect. It took effort to realize that forgiving him is not about him, but it is about me. I am not saying that forgiveness means sacrificing your values. Humans make mistakes. Taking the radical acceptance approach for something I cannot change has been my happiest decision. If I had not, it would be an act of dishonesty to myself for carrying such a burden when it is not my fault. Besides, you do not have to tell them that you forgive them if you don't want to if that is what you wish. But in the end, it is on him to ultimately realize his wrongful doing and to acknowledge it (I hope one day). 

My point is...

Forgiveness is for your own health. It is letting go of a burden that you should ultimately not carry because of one's mistakes. Most importantly forgiveness is not about slacking off your own values that were violated by him. How do you know you truly forgave someone? Well, that is when you feel the lightness again in your heart when you see or talk to them. You don't have to, of course, but if they were or if someone mentions them, it should not affect you deep down. 

From a Christian perspective, forgiveness is about what is mentioned above, but also letting God be rightful judge and trust God to help them.

Take Care, Everyone,

Timothy